smoking too much hookah.

ps. elliott smith covers of beatles songs are fucking amazing.
things got kind of rough there for a while but are starting to smooth back out.
thanks to everyone who let me cry on their proverbial shoulder.
just applied for a craigslist one-time editing gig. hoping and praying it works out so i can get some experience/cash. cross your fingers for me.
i am making some good decisions, i think. trying really hard to make my life all i want it to be. so far, doing okay. hungry but (fairly) happy.
much love to the benevolent squid posse.

everything begins to fall into place.

i came to a very important decision today. i think it will help me mature emotionally in a lot of ways. unfortunately for you all, i refuse to divulge the nature and content of this decision. it is a very private one. maybe if you are lucky i will tell you over the phone. but not now, that's for sure.

in other news. having fun in portland! got another job at a store in the mall, a store that will heretofore remain nameless in this blog. anyhoo. i start tomorrow and then work for a fucking week straight at both my jobs without a day off or a second to breathe. two doubles at the sushi place and then lots of training at the new retail job. luckily this means that i will have money for rent and things like that soon, which is a relief.

also, i am in love like never before. it is amazing. i am very lucky.
miss and love you all.

urban outfitters stole my wallet.

so. a group interview at anthropologie on wednesday morning and two potential interviews for serving jobs on thursday.
yay!
i would give an ovary to work at anthropologie. unfortunately there is no H&M in this town, which saddens me, but is also a good thing because i would spend all of my money there in a heartbeat.
also applied at a fashionable/expensive boutique and at a high-end sex shop.
exciting! canvassing really is quite difficult, you know.
must get out of the house more and go exploring. unfortunately i am dirt, dirt poor. as in, no money for gas, food, or coffee. i budgeted well in my head but said budgeting did not translate to reality well.
however, onward and upward! as usual. miss you all very, very much.

still kisses with saliva. no longer empty and frantic.

my first rain in portland occurred today.
i am still having a total blast.
still exploring this awesome city.
still canvassing for the DNC for as long as possible. yay for 2 weeks of guaranteed employment.
still head over heels in love. even more so now than i ever was before. so very happy.
still missing all my az friends. the benevolent squid posse can never be replaced. but slowly making new friends here.
also. this city has the greatest vintage shopping ever. oh let me tell you. just fyi.
much, much love.

i never liked robert frost anyways.

i woke up this morning not being able to hear out of my right ear again.
curses.
portland is lovely, dark, and deep.
(and miles to go before i sleep?)
not to mention green. oh is it nice here.
now i just need to find employment.
and prevent my vehicle from being broken into again.
miss you all terribly. much love.

no mouth no neck no rest.

tomorrow is the big day.
eep! excited!
if you haven't seen me yet, you probably won't see me before i leave. i have so much to do in so little time today.
and i am happy.
i love you all. especially you.

i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after.

one week until take-off. honestly, i know that i am addicted to spending money on myself, but there are actually a ton of necessities that one needs as an interviewee. for instance. i certainly cannot go to a professional interview with a purse that looks like a drag queen carried it. actually, i have two bags that drag queens have carried as part of their respective ensembles. anyways, most of my bags and shoes either came from the weigh-and-pay and look destroyed, or were once decent looking and i have since destroyed them by wearing the shit out of them. so. point being. this is very important. first impressions are crucial in the workplace. i have never really been into wearing "nice things" because they don't have too much character, but i guess this is just one of those times.
in other news, the indefatigable ms. aly is now working at the LTK with me! however, saturday is my last day before i begin to tread the treacherous waters of unemployment again. but, you know, hopefully it will be very temporary.

...i am going to the city that my favorite musician of all time used as his muse. eep! maybe i will go on an elliott smith memorial tour by myself to division st. and the rose parade and alameda and what not.
have i mentioned that i am excited? it is finally setting in and taking away the anxiety. i am just plain elated that i am getting the fuck away from this town and these people (except from the ones i love here, of course) and these memories and beginning anew so i can create and love and flourish. my anticipation and excitement currently know no bounds. also: applying at powell's books today! yay!
anyways. i have things to do and people to see today before i work my little ass off tonight. gird your loins.

why can't i get a hold of kendra, goddamnit?

working on kurt's project today was a ton of fun. 

btw, i love him.

a good day altogether.

also, yerba mate is amazing.

adventure, ahoy! 

woe.

i am really, really broke.
...but rich of spirit!
(actually, i've been fairly sad lately, mainly because everyone around me is stressed and frustrated and also sad. see: kat, kurt, my mother, etc.)
i have a tattoo appointment today but i am so poor that i may have to pay nick in installments, which is fairly pathetic. but it wouldn't be the first time.
in other news, anyone who thinks that couch-hopping is full of glamour and mystique is relatively misguided. it sucks not having anywhere to come home to, and nowhere to go when one is bored and the library is closed and friends are unavailable and money is an omnipresent issue.
le sigh.

i'm going to arizona, sex on the rocks all warm and red. and we bled.

i really do love modest mouse more than i love most things. and people. man. aly really is missing out here.
staying at ben's for a bit while he is out of town. he has a petite side-house/studio in someone's backyard. i refuse to stay at ben's alone (creeepy little house he's got there; very interesting chi) but i am not sure if his front neighbors will appreciate my constant parade of friends always coming and going in and out of the house. hopefully they just won't notice me much.
after last night's long talk, i feel completely and utterly rejuvenated and alive. i am still missing velvet every minute of every day, but i feel like i have a new lease on life, to use an awful cliche.
okay. new plan. going to make the most of things. be gregarious but not obnoxiously so. crack out of this shell a little bit. you know. blossom.

hopefully this will work. i am tired of being anxious and depressed and frustrated. then maybe the bad dreams will stop.
wish me luck.

coat check and i lost the number.

yesterday i put my dog to sleep.

velvet was truly a beautiful soul with nothing but compassion and love in her.
i could extol her virtues forever but no statement could ever convey her patience, infinite understanding, lack of judgment, and pure caring.
the moment of her egress was very trying, and i am still coping and crying a bit. give me time. i am glad kurt was there- so glad.
all i know is that i will miss her so very much.

in other news, i will be homeless as of this coming sunday. if you have a couch to spare, let me know.
so many transitions, this year. and so many to come. i am attempting to be less pusillanimous in my approaches to said transitions, both emotionally and mentally. so far this is going well. i am trying.
anyways. a hard week. but now aly and i are going to goodwill to waste our woes away on giant wildlife print t-shirts in the fashion of bret, FOTC-style.

and this is where i live, but i've never felt less at home.

okay. please. somebody get me out of my apartment. um...help?
anyways, going to prescott with aly for the night to visit mr. tony colella, esq. also apparently my dog is not doing very well at all and i may have to go back next week to make that fateful visit to the veterinarian's office.
this is the first real experience i have ever had with death. other than the deaths of jim simmerman and my rabbits. i have never had a family member die, at least one who i am close to. it is very, very hard. i didn't quite understand before that it would be this hard. i just want to hold her and be next to her and tell her that i am sorry and that i love her. granted, i have had quite the menagerie of pets before in my life, but velvet- velvet is incomparable. she is like my sister. i know that may sound a bit far-fetched but i love this dog with all my heart. either way, it will be soon. and i am crushed.
well, off to have a fabulous night with tony and aly (and lauren, perhaps?).

boring blather.

i am excited to see tony this week (and perhaps move in with him eventually)- hopefully the gals can come with me to prescott and hang out for the night. naked mayhem, ahoy!
in other news, LTK is closed for the weekend and i have literally nothing to do. and i'm broke. i have a vintage lamp to renovate and no money to do it with. for once, i am anticipating going home, if only to see my dog and hang out with my favorite porn star.
my roommates are still being total assholes. i feel like doing something completely outrageous, solely to shock and annoy those passive-aggressive fucks.
if you have a living room, please, let me live in it. tony: this means you.
as aly mentioned, "wrist-cutters: a love story" was fucking amazing, and if you haven't watched it yet, you simply must.
all in all, it's been a good week for the most part. i am not going to let my lack of motivation and a series of bad dreams get me down. let's continue with this positive streak, shall we?

say what you say, say it like a cat.

"publisher," that blonde redhead song, is my new favorite. look it up if you can, it's great.
i had an amazing weekend- the renaissance faire, making a web show, embarking upon wonderful adventures- i loved every minute of it. stay tuned for the premier episode of "super atomic online," the intro to which i helped make, sort of.
and now, to continue making july the best. month. ever.

kyle needs support.

today i found out that velvet, the dog i've had since 8th grade, has cancer.
i am devastated.
we will know soon whether or not we have to put her down.
i will keep everyone posted.

splish splash, i was taking a bath.

a few concentrated shots of yerba mate = crack, without the comedown.
let's be productive, kids!
kat and i are listening to "fonzie favorites," a vinyl record on which the fonz picks "his favorite 50s records to share with you." brilliant, if a bit annoying.
in other news, i finally shut down my hotmail account today. i had that thing since 1999. jesus. no wonder my email address was so fucking stupid.
but, i need a new one now, for no one really knows how long nau will let me keep using my account there. any suggestions for email address-names that aren't too: a. indie, b. tortured, c. cutesy, d. overly pretentious?
anyways. i am already missing sleeping alone, and i'm not even in bed yet.
yeah, i'm that person.
i hope this work week passes quickly and lucratively.

sabado gigante!

right now i am watching a show in spanish on univision or whatever and i can't understand a damn word of it. as was to be expected, but it is still entertaining. sometimes i like feeling immersed in something incomprehensible and alien and being all lost in it.
i imagine that is somewhat how i will feel when i move away this fall. caught up in a new place where i don't know anyone, wandering and discovering and experiencing all these new things...i am pretty excited, that's for sure. and a bit nervous, too. but it's really more of a pleasant excitement than anything else.
so far, my summer has been very anticlimactic and unproductive. i am hoping that changes soon and i get some motivation to start getting my shit together.
and next weekend, the renaissance festival...in show low! i am sure i will have much to report back from that one.

-

so apparently my hotmail account has been hacked and everyone on my contacts list has been officially spammed like a motherfucker. uh, sorry. from now on i am only using my nau webmail address for anything, seriously.
it has been a series of interesting and full days recently, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be around him constantly. i miss him and i just want to be in winslow with him all the time. le sigh. hopefully it will be a productive and lucrative week for me and then this fourth of july can be a wonderful adventure with him. in other news, ALY IS COMING BACK YAY! i am ecstatic. just in case you missed my excitement in the previous posts, i know that it is going to be a good month. lovely.
kat, kelley and i went on a really nice little hike today and the weather was insanely beautiful. i am a lucky girl sometimes. i have been noticing that lately i am finding wonder and amazement in all sorts of little things, and in nature, and in life in general. it is a refreshing and renewing feeling.
anyways. you know. life is good. except for that helicopter collision today, what the fuck was that? in case you all missed that-- shit. look it up. it is intense.

i will be your accident if you will be my ambulance.

sometimes i really do love my life.
sedona today was amazing. last night was also pretty damn great.
i am also one lucky kid to be in a relationship with a wonderful man who loves me and cares for me.
i feel pretty awesome. for real.
big things are coming. i can feel it. good things.
also, july is going to be the best month ever. aly is coming back soon, hoorah! kat, aly, and i are going to have a series of fabulous adventures together.
this may appear to be a drastic departure from my last post, but oh well.
now let's just hope i can make rent this month.

a funny thing happened on the way to the forum.

this is going to be an awesome weekend.
i just know it.
apparently no one updates their damn blogs anymore. tragic.
i had fun with tony last night, but tonight there is no one to hang out with.
alas, i am bored. i best get to cleaning my room for tomorrow night.
flagstaff kind of sucks in the summer, fyi.

her rabid glow is like braille to the night.

i just read an article about a lesbian couple who is getting married after over 50 years of being together and i cried a little bit. it is so beautiful. but i am also a big pussy.

le sigh.
i am trying to write and it is just not happening. i have this feeling in my stomach- green leaves drifting down through oak creek canyon, milky afternoon light streaming in, your hand resting on my thigh, a sense of wonder and forward movement filtering in through my skin down to my marrow- but i can't get it onto the empty page filling my screen. but i trust that it will come. i hope.

a love letter to the posse and its various branches.

i have had a good couple of days, despite being a bit sick.
i am so lucky to be surrounded by amazing, talented people.
when i am around them, i feel like a real person again.
and even when i am without them, i am feeling better and better every day.
about myself, about my life, about my past, about my future.
for those friends of mine who are far away who read this- aly, tony, etc.- and for those who don't- kendra, rene, brookE, etc.- please know that i love you and miss you and think of you always. you make my life infinitely more rich and interesting and i wouldn't be here without you.
especially kendra. always kendra. my darling redheaded porcelain partner in crime. in the five years of our friendship, we have never taken a single photo together- a tragic fact. sometimes i feel like you know and value me more than i do myself. i am so worried about you; worried that the city is stealing your spark, worried that you are drinking too much, worried that you will never come home. but i know you will pull through and create the beautiful, fantastical, wondrous life for yourself that you have always dreamed of and that you deserve.

my friends are fucking brilliant. end of story.

edit: altering one's blog-profile seems to be the thing to do at 2 am these days.

...

ben gave me one of the poems that he had of mine that had jim simmerman's kindly notes still on it. it was really nice to see something nice written about my work for once. a much-needed self-esteem boost, as these last few days i have felt ugly and disgusting and completely slow.
i need something to change.

save me save me.

feeling mostly better now.
yet my apartment has apparently become an orphanage for lost bicycles.
i cannot begin to tell you how much this annoys me.
i need gays and glamour in my life. not geology.
sorry, but it's true. i am inherently a creature of comfort, not camping.
i like looking put-together, not like i just crawled out from under a rock.
i like my sad indie boy-music, and my pretty sparkly things, and my princess perfume (thanks for letting me borrow it, aly!) and my gold satin comforter. i am not into ska, being dirty, smelling bad, or sleeping bags.
this is not to say that i am not into environmental issues, nature, and organic food. because i am. i just don't like roughing it. and i also like flushing the toilet. ahem.
i know that i am being a judgmental bitch here, but the whole energy of the apartment is thrown off and shitty because i feel out of place and freakish in my shallow materialism. whereas before, my desires to possess perfect skin, a thinner waist, and a killer pair of heels were mutually embraced and shared.
so. help me find a place to live until october and i will be indebted to you forever.

"does he walk around all day at school, with his feet inside your shoes...

...looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you?"

i need to get out of flagstaff. out of arizona.
i get too wrapped up in my head and in my thoughts and i can't see anything that's beyond that.
jesus.
i am feeling the writing itch. ideas are slowly coming to fruition, but they haven't quite reached the point of being ready to pluck yet. soon, though, i think i will be writing again. i had a dream last night that i murdered james. i think that maybe it is a breakthrough in that part of my psyche that had been previously hindering my creative output. maybe.

but right now, all i need is "fevers and mirrors."

"so there still is hope
yes, i can be healed
there is someone looking for what i concealed
in my secret drawer, in my pockets deep
you will find the reasons that i can’t sleep
and you will still want me
but will you still want me?"

okay. so. the situation is a little better but not much. krista and tim are great but the rest of them can go fuck themselves.
anyways.
kelley and i went to the mall today so i could get chelsea a birthday present and i discovered this liquid ambrosia called "vera wang princess" in a purple, heart-shaped bottle. it smells delightful. i need to invest asap, i think. spending $52 on nice perfume is a frivolous expense, but in my mind it is worth it. maybe just because i am a frivolous person.
i may or may not be taking chelsea on her power-hour tonight. we shall see. i don't know how much fun it will be with just the two of us, and with me not smoking any cigarettes, but maybe it will be a good time.
rilo kiley has been making my day worth being awake for.
also: my hair is plum-colored. but not ripe and delicious, like a real plum. it just looks plain silly. i am going to process it again in hopes of getting it redder, like i originally wanted, so cross your fingers for my hair follicles.

"brutal hardcore beauties"? hahaha.

of all the things i could be listening to right now, i chose norma jean.
i am angry and frustrated and i figured that it would fit my mood accordingly.
why am i angry and frustrated, you may ask?
because i feel like a stranger in my own apartment.
my new roommates refuse to acknowledge my existence, they blast what one might call "hippie music" in the morning and it wakes me up, they are unfriendly and we have nothing in common...the list is fairly short but it makes for an uncomfortable living situation.
i want to get out.
but i have nowhere to go.
...help? i only need a place to stay until october, then i am gone for good.
also, i need to get a second job so i can start saving money for portland asap.
le sigh.

never ending math equation.

le sigh. je suis seule et ennuyeuse.
but. kat is coming over!
my friends are so good to me (yes you are).
AND i think i am going to have enough money for rent, hoorah!
maybe i should just be a stripper and then i wouldn't have to worry about money any more.
hah. i think i'm a bit too chunky for that profession.
i was going to be a phone sex operator, but you have to have a land line...
oh well. i will scrape by somehow.
also, i can't stop listening to "building nothing out of something." it is addictive and beautiful.

(i'm going nowhere, but i'm guaranteed to be late)

life is already dull and boring without the bright spot of aly in it.
i really need to get to fucking work on my class. maybe now i will be able to accomplish something on it, while being lonely and all.

i went to the weigh and pay today to kill some time before work. to me, going to the weigh and pay is a joyous and rapturous experience unlike any other shopping excursion. pawing through the giant, heaping bins of early '90s laura ashley-esque floral dresses and size XXL purple denim vests just soothes me. call me materialistic if you must, but rifling through the dirty plastic tubs of mismatched shoes, richard simmons cassette tapes, and stained stuffed animals is some sort of cathartic experience for me. sometimes my weigh and pay trips are fruitless, producing no important thrifting finds. other times, like today, i find '80s scrunch boots, "the home veterinarian's handbook," a swiss air bag, a great pair of shoes for Kt, a little girl's mary-kate and ashley skirt (for kat, perhaps?), a pair of great aviators, a fucking awesome watch that just needs a battery, and a really cute purple kensie-girl top that i swear i saw in one of their ads in a magazine. fuck yeah. all this for 8 bucks, too.

oh shit, i am late for work.

my mama told me there'd be days like this.

sometimes i feel really uncomfortable in my own skin- out of place and out of touch.
and other times (occasionally intersecting with the aforementioned times) i feel like i am at a loss for words.
there is so much that i want to say but i am unsure of the words with which i would say it. i just don't know how, or when, or why i would anyways.
awkward, much?

anyways. i am going to miss aly this coming month. but i can only hope that she has the time of her life in france. you will be sorely missed, ma belle!

come on, mood shift, shift back to good again.

(come on, chemicals).

having just spent a deliriously happy weekend with my significant other, i realized today that my room feels empty without him in it.
distance is no fun. but it's all worth it, completely and utterly.
i have never dated such a person before in my life- someone mature and caring; someone fun and generous; someone intelligent and witty and handsome and creative.
in case you couldn't tell, i am head over heels here.
and, for once, i am not even worried about the state of my relationship, which is a nice change from, well, every other relationship i have ever had. i feel secure, stable, oh god...happy?
yeah, like i said, a nice change. i just hate living 60 miles away from him, as we don't get to see each other nearly as much as i'd like.
but. i am one stubborn motherfucker and i am not going to fuck this one up, let me tell you.
in other news, i think that a posse of my exes are conspiring against me and plotting a coup. just fyi. the time may come when we must fight them, like the zombie incarnations of hardcore kids. shit.

love rhymes with hideous car wreck.

man, do i love the blood brothers. it is so refreshing to listen to a band that you haven't listened to in a while and just appreciate it all over again like you were listening to it for the first time, while still knowing all of the words. i'm not even a big hardcore fan (if you can even call them that), but sometimes i need to thrash around a bit in my mess of a room.
i feel like everyone else that i know with a blog makes it so poetic and inspired, whereas my style of blog-writing is casual and confessional. i wish i could write something beautiful and fluid, but alas, today is not that day.
also, the system hates me, apparently. ahcccs/ap-ipa is refusing to pay for two of my doctor's visits in january and i am having to deal with a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit right now, while still avoiding the credit collection agency's calls. someday i will be forced to deal with this and take responsibility like the mature adult i don't want to be, and it won't be pretty. in addition, i am having a hard time getting my (very crucial) prescriptions filled at the pharmacy, and i am terrified that my (low-income, government-provided) insurance is fucking up. maybe i should just move to canada.
despite all this, life is still pretty good. rather, aly and i are manifesting its goodness.

in other news, the apocalypse may be coming. see me for details.

sparkling clementine.

i wonder if the word "blog" is feminine or masculine.
anyways. i feel like that big sign of a jackrabbit in joseph city that just says "here it is" is very appropriate. because here is my new blog, all ripe and for the picking.