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so apparently my hotmail account has been hacked and everyone on my contacts list has been officially spammed like a motherfucker. uh, sorry. from now on i am only using my nau webmail address for anything, seriously.
it has been a series of interesting and full days recently, but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be around him constantly. i miss him and i just want to be in winslow with him all the time. le sigh. hopefully it will be a productive and lucrative week for me and then this fourth of july can be a wonderful adventure with him. in other news, ALY IS COMING BACK YAY! i am ecstatic. just in case you missed my excitement in the previous posts, i know that it is going to be a good month. lovely.
kat, kelley and i went on a really nice little hike today and the weather was insanely beautiful. i am a lucky girl sometimes. i have been noticing that lately i am finding wonder and amazement in all sorts of little things, and in nature, and in life in general. it is a refreshing and renewing feeling.
anyways. you know. life is good. except for that helicopter collision today, what the fuck was that? in case you all missed that-- shit. look it up. it is intense.

i will be your accident if you will be my ambulance.

sometimes i really do love my life.
sedona today was amazing. last night was also pretty damn great.
i am also one lucky kid to be in a relationship with a wonderful man who loves me and cares for me.
i feel pretty awesome. for real.
big things are coming. i can feel it. good things.
also, july is going to be the best month ever. aly is coming back soon, hoorah! kat, aly, and i are going to have a series of fabulous adventures together.
this may appear to be a drastic departure from my last post, but oh well.
now let's just hope i can make rent this month.

a funny thing happened on the way to the forum.

this is going to be an awesome weekend.
i just know it.
apparently no one updates their damn blogs anymore. tragic.
i had fun with tony last night, but tonight there is no one to hang out with.
alas, i am bored. i best get to cleaning my room for tomorrow night.
flagstaff kind of sucks in the summer, fyi.

her rabid glow is like braille to the night.

i just read an article about a lesbian couple who is getting married after over 50 years of being together and i cried a little bit. it is so beautiful. but i am also a big pussy.

le sigh.
i am trying to write and it is just not happening. i have this feeling in my stomach- green leaves drifting down through oak creek canyon, milky afternoon light streaming in, your hand resting on my thigh, a sense of wonder and forward movement filtering in through my skin down to my marrow- but i can't get it onto the empty page filling my screen. but i trust that it will come. i hope.

a love letter to the posse and its various branches.

i have had a good couple of days, despite being a bit sick.
i am so lucky to be surrounded by amazing, talented people.
when i am around them, i feel like a real person again.
and even when i am without them, i am feeling better and better every day.
about myself, about my life, about my past, about my future.
for those friends of mine who are far away who read this- aly, tony, etc.- and for those who don't- kendra, rene, brookE, etc.- please know that i love you and miss you and think of you always. you make my life infinitely more rich and interesting and i wouldn't be here without you.
especially kendra. always kendra. my darling redheaded porcelain partner in crime. in the five years of our friendship, we have never taken a single photo together- a tragic fact. sometimes i feel like you know and value me more than i do myself. i am so worried about you; worried that the city is stealing your spark, worried that you are drinking too much, worried that you will never come home. but i know you will pull through and create the beautiful, fantastical, wondrous life for yourself that you have always dreamed of and that you deserve.

my friends are fucking brilliant. end of story.

edit: altering one's blog-profile seems to be the thing to do at 2 am these days.

...

ben gave me one of the poems that he had of mine that had jim simmerman's kindly notes still on it. it was really nice to see something nice written about my work for once. a much-needed self-esteem boost, as these last few days i have felt ugly and disgusting and completely slow.
i need something to change.

save me save me.

feeling mostly better now.
yet my apartment has apparently become an orphanage for lost bicycles.
i cannot begin to tell you how much this annoys me.
i need gays and glamour in my life. not geology.
sorry, but it's true. i am inherently a creature of comfort, not camping.
i like looking put-together, not like i just crawled out from under a rock.
i like my sad indie boy-music, and my pretty sparkly things, and my princess perfume (thanks for letting me borrow it, aly!) and my gold satin comforter. i am not into ska, being dirty, smelling bad, or sleeping bags.
this is not to say that i am not into environmental issues, nature, and organic food. because i am. i just don't like roughing it. and i also like flushing the toilet. ahem.
i know that i am being a judgmental bitch here, but the whole energy of the apartment is thrown off and shitty because i feel out of place and freakish in my shallow materialism. whereas before, my desires to possess perfect skin, a thinner waist, and a killer pair of heels were mutually embraced and shared.
so. help me find a place to live until october and i will be indebted to you forever.

"does he walk around all day at school, with his feet inside your shoes...

...looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you?"

i need to get out of flagstaff. out of arizona.
i get too wrapped up in my head and in my thoughts and i can't see anything that's beyond that.
jesus.
i am feeling the writing itch. ideas are slowly coming to fruition, but they haven't quite reached the point of being ready to pluck yet. soon, though, i think i will be writing again. i had a dream last night that i murdered james. i think that maybe it is a breakthrough in that part of my psyche that had been previously hindering my creative output. maybe.

but right now, all i need is "fevers and mirrors."

"so there still is hope
yes, i can be healed
there is someone looking for what i concealed
in my secret drawer, in my pockets deep
you will find the reasons that i can’t sleep
and you will still want me
but will you still want me?"

okay. so. the situation is a little better but not much. krista and tim are great but the rest of them can go fuck themselves.
anyways.
kelley and i went to the mall today so i could get chelsea a birthday present and i discovered this liquid ambrosia called "vera wang princess" in a purple, heart-shaped bottle. it smells delightful. i need to invest asap, i think. spending $52 on nice perfume is a frivolous expense, but in my mind it is worth it. maybe just because i am a frivolous person.
i may or may not be taking chelsea on her power-hour tonight. we shall see. i don't know how much fun it will be with just the two of us, and with me not smoking any cigarettes, but maybe it will be a good time.
rilo kiley has been making my day worth being awake for.
also: my hair is plum-colored. but not ripe and delicious, like a real plum. it just looks plain silly. i am going to process it again in hopes of getting it redder, like i originally wanted, so cross your fingers for my hair follicles.

"brutal hardcore beauties"? hahaha.

of all the things i could be listening to right now, i chose norma jean.
i am angry and frustrated and i figured that it would fit my mood accordingly.
why am i angry and frustrated, you may ask?
because i feel like a stranger in my own apartment.
my new roommates refuse to acknowledge my existence, they blast what one might call "hippie music" in the morning and it wakes me up, they are unfriendly and we have nothing in common...the list is fairly short but it makes for an uncomfortable living situation.
i want to get out.
but i have nowhere to go.
...help? i only need a place to stay until october, then i am gone for good.
also, i need to get a second job so i can start saving money for portland asap.
le sigh.