christ what a day.
that is all.

movin' on up.

so shit, i have to move into a new house again. all of my cool roommates are moving out in may, leaving me and helena with the shitty leftover roommates who are taking over the house. actually, i am totally fine with this, as i was planning on moving anyways-- just not so soon. i have been craigslisting some potential places for me and helena to go, so hopefully we can stay together as roommates and not have to be split up into the random houses of strange people. fuck, we live in the random house of strange people now, so i guess it couldn't get too much worse, right?

in other news, i am fucking OBSESSED with the new season of flight of the conchords. it is so tragic that this is the last season. sigh.

a letter.

dear you,

you know who you are. and i want you to leave my friends alone and quit trying to sabotage me. just because things didn't work out between us and you have cooked up some crazy crackpot conspiracy theories about why i left doesn't mean that you have any fucking right in the world to try and ruin my true friendships and relationships out of malice and spite and jealousy. the past is the past. let it go; i know i sure have. until today, that is, when you made me so mad because i found out what you said to her. if you ever really cared about me at all, you will let my friends be and let them lead their own lives without trying to fuck up my relationships with them. it's only the right thing to do. have you ever tried to take that kind of higher route before? oh no, probably not- because you are a miserable, lecherous fucking failure and can't accept your shitty-ass little life the way it is and you have to make everyone else unhappy too.

also, for the love of god, do the right thing and quit lying to your sexual partners about having an std. selective truth-telling and holding back that kind of information isn't just an awful thing to do because it is dishonest and sleazy, but it also endangers lives. own up to your shit and tell them. perhaps by doing that, you can somehow redeem yourself for all the fucked-up manipulative things you have done to everyone...but i doubt it.

sincerely,

kyle

these are a few of my favorite things.

i had to steal this from lauren. and then add on to it.

favorites:
flower = orchid (the white ones with the pink centers)

fruit = ruby red grapefruit (or oranges)

contemporary actor = kevin spacey

contemporary actress = claire danes ("shopgirl" was awesome)

classic actor = marcello mastroianni

classic actress = anouk aimee

contemporary book = "white noise" by don delillo

classic book = "lolita" by vladimir nabokov

contemporary writer = augusten burroughs

classic writer = vladimir nabokov

photographer = man ray

painter = salvador dali

blockbuster movie = "when harry met sally" (yeah, it counts)

indie movie = "harold & maude" (to me, this is the only movie in the world)

foreign movie = "amelie"

classic movie = "the graduate"

animated movie = "wall-e" (fucking rocked)

80s movie = "short circuit"

90s movie = "before sunrise"
contemporary movie = "the royal tenenbaums"

classical musician = mozart

60s band = the beatles

70s band = led zeppelin
80s band = the smiths

90s band = elliott smith

current band = of montreal (at the moment)

record = "building nothing out of something" by modest mouse (also at the moment)
song = "florida" by starfucker

classic tv show = "the golden girls" (it is too a classic- ask paul, he'll back me up)

contemporary tv show = "flight of the conchords"

cartoon = "family guy"

male singer = conor oberst

female singer = chan marshall (aka cat power)

animal = pygmy tarsier (aka the "real-life furby")

mythical creature = nessie

obscure color = periwinkle

actual color = purple

decade (not lived in) = 1920s

decade (lived in) = 1980s

broadway show = "phantom of the opera"

magazine = "national geographic" (also, "bust" is definitely up there)

country = scotland

drink = cuban con panna (or a grapefruit izze)

film character = stephane from "the science of sleep"

novel character = grendel (as portrayed in the john gardner novel)

theme park = slide rock in sedona, arizona (if e. coli is a theme...)

shakespearian play = "hamlet"

non-shakespearian play = "pygmalion" by george bernard shaw

philosopher = albert camus

textile pattern = big polka dots

fabric = bamboo

store = powell's or house of vintage (both in portland)

cuisine = thai (naturally. LTK for life)
perfume = an essential oil blend called "valentine" that is sold in a little shop on hawthorne
nut = honey roasted peanut

christian holiday = christmas (because presents are lovely)

pagan holiday = halloween

national holiday = 4th of july (for the fireworks)

day of the week = sunday (just because i usually have sundays off)

town = flagstaff, arizona

city = portland, oregon

vitamin = d
person (famous) = miranda july
person (familiar) = that's a secret
gift to receive = jewelry
item of clothing = my white tank top with the anatomically correct hearts screenprint
poem = "somewhere i've never travelled, gladly beyond" by e.e. cummings
deity = kali
vehicle = vespa (oh, if only...)
designer = marc jacobs
season = spring

lists.

so my boss is totally letting me take off work to go to coachella with saki. i found out today.
FUCKYEAH.
there is something really beautiful about the feeling that you get when a plan finally begins to come together. now i just have to register my car when i get my next paycheck and then save every last dime i have/earn/find on the ground.
anyways. to do:
-find out whether or not the GRE is necessary for my grad school application (let's hope not...)
-begin grad school application (eep!)
-have a bunch of fun with saki tonight at her brother's show (this is the most likely to happen of almost all listed items)
-be the happy recipient of many kisses tomorrow (undoubtedly the MOST most likely. also-my day off, hoorah!)
-get front tooth refilled (2nd time filling has fallen out. jesus. why?)
-go to social security office (when i have a spare fucking HOUR)
-mail package to john jackson (very belated birthday present)
-possibly move into new, better house (keep fingers crossed. very important item)
-discover more interesting things to blog about; unfortunately, there are none at the moment (sorry)

rest my chemistry.

so if i get a big enough paycheck on friday, coachella is so for real happening. i am excited! it may just be me and my friend saki going, but also maybe my roommate helena. 7 days off of work, though. but it is so totally worth it. even if i was going to the middle of the desert to see just kat and the yeah yeah yeahs weren't even involved, it would be worth it. for sure. last night i had a horrible, painful pang of homesickness. it started in my chest and worked its way down my abdomen, to finally come to rest in the pit of my stomach. i miss my friends and family so very, very much- friday will be 6 months since i have been in arizona. however, portland is going better and better...there is a boyfriend now, and much love. work is going better, and i am going to apply to psu for grad school, starting hopefully in the winter term of this year (late december? early january?). either way, things are looking up. i have never felt this kind of unconditional love and affection before in my life; he knows me so well and loves all my faults and shortcomings despite. i am so incredibly happy, and i have free healthcare! and the government buys me cigarettes with my food stamps. awesome. look out coachella, we are coming!

happy.

so things are finally looking up. i have a home and a gaggle of girlfriends and a steady source of income. and a boy (a boy!) who may be impermanent but is still the best fucking thing in my life right now and my best pdx friend.
i miss arizona, though. i miss the dryness and the (fairly consistent amount of) sun and going to campus coffee bean and wandering around downtown and taking road trips to sedona and seeing the people who i know and love the most. and the familiarity of it all, i miss that. portland is becoming more and more familiar by the minute but it is still so distant and vast in its enormity.
but, i love it here. it is so beautiful and welcoming and alive. i have almost morphed into a city girl.
i had a birthday party, and while it was short-lived, it was nice to have people that cared about me in one room all together. 23 doesn't feel much different than 22, let me tell you.
anyways. kat and i are going to paint coachella hot fucking pink. it will be the best time ever.
miss you all very much.

weeding though the shit.

yeah so people suck.
end of story.

...actually, my friends do not suck. especially the ones that check my email for me at 9:30 am.
otherwise, most people are generally disappointing me right now.
lots of them are cruel, malicious, emotionally abusive, and/or goddamn stupid.
luckily i am trying to surround myself with people who are none of the above.
so far...meh.
finding friends here is coming easier now that i don't have a significant other.
either way, i kind of want to go home.

smoking too much hookah.

ps. elliott smith covers of beatles songs are fucking amazing.
things got kind of rough there for a while but are starting to smooth back out.
thanks to everyone who let me cry on their proverbial shoulder.
just applied for a craigslist one-time editing gig. hoping and praying it works out so i can get some experience/cash. cross your fingers for me.
i am making some good decisions, i think. trying really hard to make my life all i want it to be. so far, doing okay. hungry but (fairly) happy.
much love to the benevolent squid posse.

everything begins to fall into place.

i came to a very important decision today. i think it will help me mature emotionally in a lot of ways. unfortunately for you all, i refuse to divulge the nature and content of this decision. it is a very private one. maybe if you are lucky i will tell you over the phone. but not now, that's for sure.

in other news. having fun in portland! got another job at a store in the mall, a store that will heretofore remain nameless in this blog. anyhoo. i start tomorrow and then work for a fucking week straight at both my jobs without a day off or a second to breathe. two doubles at the sushi place and then lots of training at the new retail job. luckily this means that i will have money for rent and things like that soon, which is a relief.

also, i am in love like never before. it is amazing. i am very lucky.
miss and love you all.

urban outfitters stole my wallet.

so. a group interview at anthropologie on wednesday morning and two potential interviews for serving jobs on thursday.
yay!
i would give an ovary to work at anthropologie. unfortunately there is no H&M in this town, which saddens me, but is also a good thing because i would spend all of my money there in a heartbeat.
also applied at a fashionable/expensive boutique and at a high-end sex shop.
exciting! canvassing really is quite difficult, you know.
must get out of the house more and go exploring. unfortunately i am dirt, dirt poor. as in, no money for gas, food, or coffee. i budgeted well in my head but said budgeting did not translate to reality well.
however, onward and upward! as usual. miss you all very, very much.

still kisses with saliva. no longer empty and frantic.

my first rain in portland occurred today.
i am still having a total blast.
still exploring this awesome city.
still canvassing for the DNC for as long as possible. yay for 2 weeks of guaranteed employment.
still head over heels in love. even more so now than i ever was before. so very happy.
still missing all my az friends. the benevolent squid posse can never be replaced. but slowly making new friends here.
also. this city has the greatest vintage shopping ever. oh let me tell you. just fyi.
much, much love.

i never liked robert frost anyways.

i woke up this morning not being able to hear out of my right ear again.
curses.
portland is lovely, dark, and deep.
(and miles to go before i sleep?)
not to mention green. oh is it nice here.
now i just need to find employment.
and prevent my vehicle from being broken into again.
miss you all terribly. much love.

no mouth no neck no rest.

tomorrow is the big day.
eep! excited!
if you haven't seen me yet, you probably won't see me before i leave. i have so much to do in so little time today.
and i am happy.
i love you all. especially you.

i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after.

one week until take-off. honestly, i know that i am addicted to spending money on myself, but there are actually a ton of necessities that one needs as an interviewee. for instance. i certainly cannot go to a professional interview with a purse that looks like a drag queen carried it. actually, i have two bags that drag queens have carried as part of their respective ensembles. anyways, most of my bags and shoes either came from the weigh-and-pay and look destroyed, or were once decent looking and i have since destroyed them by wearing the shit out of them. so. point being. this is very important. first impressions are crucial in the workplace. i have never really been into wearing "nice things" because they don't have too much character, but i guess this is just one of those times.
in other news, the indefatigable ms. aly is now working at the LTK with me! however, saturday is my last day before i begin to tread the treacherous waters of unemployment again. but, you know, hopefully it will be very temporary.

...i am going to the city that my favorite musician of all time used as his muse. eep! maybe i will go on an elliott smith memorial tour by myself to division st. and the rose parade and alameda and what not.
have i mentioned that i am excited? it is finally setting in and taking away the anxiety. i am just plain elated that i am getting the fuck away from this town and these people (except from the ones i love here, of course) and these memories and beginning anew so i can create and love and flourish. my anticipation and excitement currently know no bounds. also: applying at powell's books today! yay!
anyways. i have things to do and people to see today before i work my little ass off tonight. gird your loins.

why can't i get a hold of kendra, goddamnit?

working on kurt's project today was a ton of fun. 

btw, i love him.

a good day altogether.

also, yerba mate is amazing.

adventure, ahoy! 

woe.

i am really, really broke.
...but rich of spirit!
(actually, i've been fairly sad lately, mainly because everyone around me is stressed and frustrated and also sad. see: kat, kurt, my mother, etc.)
i have a tattoo appointment today but i am so poor that i may have to pay nick in installments, which is fairly pathetic. but it wouldn't be the first time.
in other news, anyone who thinks that couch-hopping is full of glamour and mystique is relatively misguided. it sucks not having anywhere to come home to, and nowhere to go when one is bored and the library is closed and friends are unavailable and money is an omnipresent issue.
le sigh.

i'm going to arizona, sex on the rocks all warm and red. and we bled.

i really do love modest mouse more than i love most things. and people. man. aly really is missing out here.
staying at ben's for a bit while he is out of town. he has a petite side-house/studio in someone's backyard. i refuse to stay at ben's alone (creeepy little house he's got there; very interesting chi) but i am not sure if his front neighbors will appreciate my constant parade of friends always coming and going in and out of the house. hopefully they just won't notice me much.
after last night's long talk, i feel completely and utterly rejuvenated and alive. i am still missing velvet every minute of every day, but i feel like i have a new lease on life, to use an awful cliche.
okay. new plan. going to make the most of things. be gregarious but not obnoxiously so. crack out of this shell a little bit. you know. blossom.

hopefully this will work. i am tired of being anxious and depressed and frustrated. then maybe the bad dreams will stop.
wish me luck.

coat check and i lost the number.

yesterday i put my dog to sleep.

velvet was truly a beautiful soul with nothing but compassion and love in her.
i could extol her virtues forever but no statement could ever convey her patience, infinite understanding, lack of judgment, and pure caring.
the moment of her egress was very trying, and i am still coping and crying a bit. give me time. i am glad kurt was there- so glad.
all i know is that i will miss her so very much.

in other news, i will be homeless as of this coming sunday. if you have a couch to spare, let me know.
so many transitions, this year. and so many to come. i am attempting to be less pusillanimous in my approaches to said transitions, both emotionally and mentally. so far this is going well. i am trying.
anyways. a hard week. but now aly and i are going to goodwill to waste our woes away on giant wildlife print t-shirts in the fashion of bret, FOTC-style.

and this is where i live, but i've never felt less at home.

okay. please. somebody get me out of my apartment. um...help?
anyways, going to prescott with aly for the night to visit mr. tony colella, esq. also apparently my dog is not doing very well at all and i may have to go back next week to make that fateful visit to the veterinarian's office.
this is the first real experience i have ever had with death. other than the deaths of jim simmerman and my rabbits. i have never had a family member die, at least one who i am close to. it is very, very hard. i didn't quite understand before that it would be this hard. i just want to hold her and be next to her and tell her that i am sorry and that i love her. granted, i have had quite the menagerie of pets before in my life, but velvet- velvet is incomparable. she is like my sister. i know that may sound a bit far-fetched but i love this dog with all my heart. either way, it will be soon. and i am crushed.
well, off to have a fabulous night with tony and aly (and lauren, perhaps?).